This story ran on Buzzfeed, but I'm not going to link Buzzfeed because I have a strong bias against Buzzfeed and their clickbaity hellhole of unoriginal content. Instead, I'm going to post screenshots of comments on Buzzfeed and explain why this issue is a big deal to me and other people.
Why is this issue important? Why was the comment problematic?
I understand that maybe the hospital worker had good intentions to try and lighten up the situation, but normalizing abuse is not the way to go. People might look at this as an isolated incident, and if you look at this as an isolated incident it's not so bad. Because it's one comment, and over the course of our lives we receive a lot of different comments. But we don't live in vacuums. We live in a world structured by systems, and we're coming into contact with one of them.
Throughout my girlhood (not childhood, because that was taken away from me when I was 3) people told me that boys show affection by hitting or being rough or mean. And it wasn't just one person one time. As I grew up, I heard that statement--"He probably likes you"--used to normalize anything from emotional unavailability to full-on manipulation. This faceless and nameless hospital worker isn't the issue here. The issue is all of us, mindlessly saying things that individually don't mean all that much, but collectively mean a whole fucking lot. And when this system of courtship tells young people, over and over, that boys show affection by being mean or by hitting, for God's sake, young people are going to grow up thinking that this sort of behavior is okay, it's to be expected, it's a "sign that someone likes you". It's not. Don't normalize problematic behavior.
I don't know where this person is getting "nurture blah blah blah" from but that's not what Mrs. Smith was trying to say. And yes, people accept partner violence and problematic behavior like emotional unavailability and an inability to express opinions in a proper manner because of this. Because we make excuses for aggressors by saying that "that's just their nature" and that we're the ones who have to change to accommodate their harm. And I mean. When you're constantly saying "fuck bitches, get money," because you think it's funny or cute, I think it's rational for people to think you believe that's a good way of living life. I think it's rational for people to take what you say and interpret it according to the context. We don't have an "edit" option in the real world, where we can go back and rephrase our comments for a more appropriate meaning. People need to take responsibility for the things they say and own up to harmful behavior.
This person saying that Mrs. Merritt needs to stop overreacting because she's embarrassing the "poor guy" is taking the all-too-common stance of defending the aggressor. That's a strong word in this situation because he didn't really mean to, like, indoctrinate her daughter with the gender regime, but in this case I think you could call him an aggressor. Like part of a faceless army of people who don't know better. "Dealing with it yourself" as in?? Letting the mother reassure and teach her daughter? That only works so well up to a point. After all, I'm sure you're aware of all the young girls who seek outside validation and aren't satisfied when their parents love and support them. By adolescence children begin to be more influenced by their friends and peers, so when people continue to tell them this (believe me, it doesn't stop), it has a huge effect. It's very literally doctrine. That's scary to think about, honestly. It's a doctrine that doesn't even require evangelism because people go out and spread it every day without thinking.
I hope you're okay with the fact that my blog posts are slowly becoming more personal. It's the social commentary coming out. Except I'm not so great at social commentary or big keywords, so I come off sounding like an idiot. I hope you have a beautiful day full of exquisite things.
Love,
RIN
Why is this issue important? Why was the comment problematic?
I understand that maybe the hospital worker had good intentions to try and lighten up the situation, but normalizing abuse is not the way to go. People might look at this as an isolated incident, and if you look at this as an isolated incident it's not so bad. Because it's one comment, and over the course of our lives we receive a lot of different comments. But we don't live in vacuums. We live in a world structured by systems, and we're coming into contact with one of them.
Throughout my girlhood (not childhood, because that was taken away from me when I was 3) people told me that boys show affection by hitting or being rough or mean. And it wasn't just one person one time. As I grew up, I heard that statement--"He probably likes you"--used to normalize anything from emotional unavailability to full-on manipulation. This faceless and nameless hospital worker isn't the issue here. The issue is all of us, mindlessly saying things that individually don't mean all that much, but collectively mean a whole fucking lot. And when this system of courtship tells young people, over and over, that boys show affection by being mean or by hitting, for God's sake, young people are going to grow up thinking that this sort of behavior is okay, it's to be expected, it's a "sign that someone likes you". It's not. Don't normalize problematic behavior.
So she's four years old, yeah. But excusing his comment and the gendered system of courtship (boys are stoic and don't know how to show emotion, girls are sensitive) isn't healthy. Using trigger words like "femnazi" isn't funny or cute either, because seriously? Equating women who dare to have a voice with a terror regime? That's not an equal analogy at all. Yes, sometimes (even often) feminists do things that...require more planning and social awareness. Like pulling the fire alarm on a Men's Rights meeting.
It isn't overreacting to educate people about issues in their thinking and to support awareness for a harmful way of thinking and rationalizing harmful behavior. It's never overreacting to stand up and speak out for what you believe in. It's never overreacting to protect your voice.
How about we let go of this notion that kids need to be forced out into the real world before they're ready? How about we stop telling parents that they can't love and spoil their kids because that'll ruin them? Do you know that the most resilient and psychologically stable adults have intimate and healthy relationships with their parents? LOVE YOUR GODDAMN KIDS. BE GOOD TO THEM. STOP TRYING TO BE ARTIFICIALLY "TOUGH" WHEN THE SITUATION DOESN'T WARRANT IT.
The human brain is still developing even in the mid-twenties (frontal lobes, anyone?). This person's weird psychoanalysis of Mrs. Smith just comes off as really bizarre because he's going into this shit like "to compensate for this feeling of guilt", blah blah blah. Hello, Freud 2.0! This isn't about sheltering or coddling. This is about highlighting a problematic trend that furthers the gender divide between girls and boys, when really there shouldn't be a divide because it's a goddamn spectrum. Boys can be emotionally effusive and open! Stop underestimating men and blaming everything on the "INHERENT NATURE OF MALES" DUN DUN DUN.
And of course there's more "protecting the aggressor" behavior, which is probably to be expected. But Mrs. Smith made a post to try and raise awareness of harmful and very subtle indoctrination, and I think that it's important. I think people need to be aware that we as a collective make excuses for boys who can't yet properly express their emotions. I think people need to be aware that we make excuses for people who "were just trying to do the right thing". The right intentions with the wrong consequences can have extremely harmful consequences. This hospital dude isn't bad for trying to make light of a crappy situation, but it's the way he did it that we want to raise awareness of.
I don't know. This isn't as official as I feel like it should be. But, hey, blogs are for the author, right? I'm going to keep doing me. This is how I wanted to talk about the issue and I'm going to post this now. Thank you for reading all the way up to here and I hope you got an idea of why this issue is a big deal! And hopefully you'll do your best to minimize subliminal indoctrination. I sound like some sort of cultist.
I hope you're okay with the fact that my blog posts are slowly becoming more personal. It's the social commentary coming out. Except I'm not so great at social commentary or big keywords, so I come off sounding like an idiot. I hope you have a beautiful day full of exquisite things.
Love,
RIN