TBH I haven't written anything in a while mostly because I haven't had the time. It's been a pretty hard task just trying to stay updated on this blog, so actually the fact that I've updated at all these past few weeks is a miracle.
I guess this post will be more personal, since I don't have the strength to do my normal social justice thing. It's just going to be me sharing stories about things that have happened in the time since I last updated this blog.
A few days ago, IU's latest MV (23) dropped and I have been watching it nonstop. As usual, she looks beautiful and lovely, and, as usual, I am wishing I could be her. The song, if I'm interpreting it correctly, kind of describes her current struggle and indecision in the world of fame and tries to answer the question that pretty much every angsty teen/young adult faces, which is "Who am I?".
I am also listening a lot to Kesempurnaan Cinta by Rizky Febian. I heard it on the radio and it grabs my attention every time it pops up. I listened to it on one of those Youtube replay websites and it got up to 20+.
I am really just rambling and writing whatever comes to mind but it seems that this is going to become a music post. Besides those two songs, I've been mindlessly playing Aerocity's Soundcloud over and over again because his music is always really relaxing. I haven't been writing a lot of poetry lately because there's been so much work for IBA and tratan. Oh! Tomorrow is tratan practice and I'm supposed to bring two fans (we are learning a fan dance) but I don't have any...
Last Friday-Sunday (24-25 October) was makrab, which is a portmanteau for malam akrab, which is basically this bonding session. And it was for our major, which, if you didn't know, is International Business Administration. We have 47 students in all in our major this year but only 25 came, which sucks because it's supposed to be a bonding session and how are we supposed to bond if not everyone comes? But I admit that it was fun. Now, here's the situation.
IBA 1 is split into two classes: 1A and 1B. I'm in 1A. At makrab, I spent 90% of my time with kids from 1B. And honestly, I feel like I don't belong in 1A. I love all the people in it, but I don't know how to talk about cars or EDM or makeup and I feel like I'm really far away whenever they discuss things or crack jokes. Like...the things that I'm interested in are so different from the things they're interested in. And it's hard because 1A is more separated into distinct groups than 1B is. 1A has 3 main groups and I don't fit in any of them. I come into class each day and usually sit by myself, which makes me feel self-conscious and embarrassed. And it's not their fault. It's just that they are different.
Anyways, during makrab, I felt so happy and confident and comfortable being myself with the 1B kids. I've always had to put aside my music taste, but meeting someone in 1B who actually listens to Tame Impala in Indonesia is amazing okay (that would be Takoyaki, by the way). I felt connected and happy! All of the code names I give for people on this blog are foods, if you haven't noticed. I would hope you noticed. Listen to this song by Tame Impala, by the way.
We listened to a lot of baper songs during makrab. I'm not sure how to explain baper but it's also a portmanteau, of the words bawa perasaan. It's like...being biased with prior feelings? Or having an idea already in your head? Or something? Aduh it's difficult to explain. I use that word a lot. See, my English teachers were right when they said that context clues were really important :p
I requested to move to 1B and I very much hope they'll let me move. Mocha showed me Open Season by Josef Salvat and I think it is a fantastic song. I know this is a disorganized ramble of stuff. I am slowly getting more into Indonesian pop so go ahead and listen to Cinta dan Rahasia by Yura Yunita and Glenn Fredly. I live for duets, you know. Indonesian songs are so baper and galau and I love it because I'm a lame piece of trash. Someone said that I should not move to 1B because it's a shortcut out of a bad situation and that I just need to tough it out. They asked, "What'll happen when you have a bad situation in the future at work?" You know, at my eventual job I feel like people will be more mature than college kids? Also, I'm really not going to go for a traditional job. I'm planning on starting a magazine, for goodness' sake. Entrepreneurship and all that. So if you think I'm going to work in an office or have a corporate job, you've got me all wrong because that has never and will never be me. I'm going to work with people who are mission-oriented and have the same goal and drives as me. And if there are problems I'm going to face them. But I am not going to accept a job where people do not understand me. Don't get me wrong, okay? I'm not being sombong. I just have a really clear idea of who I am and what I want and what I value. Work is inevitably different from school because at work there are incentives to do well and a team and workmates will generally be more motivated and dedicated.
And, you know, I don't really subscribe to the notion that people have to be strong and emotionally tough. I'm making this request to feel safe and happy and confident and motivated. Saying, "What if in the future you can't handle your environment?", well, let's just say that if it's a job and akhirnya it's not a good fit for me, then I'll move. Putting my mental and emotional health and my grades at risk just to try to be tough or strong is ridiculous. I have no idea where we got this notion that it's weak to take care of ourselves. Stop telling young kids that they just need to "tough it out" and bottle up their feelings and fears. That leads to emotionally stunted and crazy kids.
Shut up, old people.
Anyways, about makrab. It was a lot of fun and it made me happy to get closer to my classmates. We went to Anyer in a big bus. Anyer is about 3 hours away from BSD and there are lots of beaches there. We stayed overnight at a villa which was apparently very haunted. We played lots of games and had a barbecue late at night and I stayed up late staring out at the forest talking to Manju. And it was beautiful. We put up tents even though we didn't sleep in them. I keep using the word "we". Is it getting redundant?
I have this dream of living that romantic life that most people only see in movies and over-filtered music videos. I want to run through forests and fields of wheat and I want to see the sun set on a beach, I want to watch the sun rise from a mountain, I want to go water skiing and pet dolphins and dance like an idiot in a beautiful room with a beautiful boy. Is that too romantic? Sometimes I feel like it conflicts with my religion, which is (?) supposed to be austere and simple. My over-romantic streak is coming back alive, especially after Anyer and staying up late and talking and making hot cocoa and stuff like that. It gets to you, okay? Is it selfish to want a life like that?
Arctic Monkey did a cover of Hold On, We're Going Home (that's by Drake). I don't know if including Arctic Monkeys makes me trash but I think it's a cute song, even though tbh Drake's version is better.
I would like to go to Laneway (that's an indie music festival in Australia) next year. Speaking of Drake, Hotline Bling has been getting a lot of attention on social media and I find that interesting. I don't have a problem with Drake's lame dance moves because it's his music video and hell knows he's got a lot more money than I do.
Midterm GPAs came out last week and I'm doing well, but I really need to stop getting distracted.. I still want to be best graduate, so I can't afford to spend more time than necessary on things that aren't super important. I'm sorry I haven't been consistent with my updates. How are you doing? Are you having a happy and healthy day? I hope so!
Love,
RIN
a study in the varied beauties and tragedies of an ordinary girl's life