I am re-christening this blog one more time in hopes that the New Year will be a good one, although if I want to be precise it will not be New Year for another 28 days. Haughty preface now aside, welcome, one more time, to my blog.
Around this time last year I was at UBH, which is a mental healthcare facility (is that a kind word for 'crazy hospital'?). December 2014 was not a soft month for me—rather, it was full of disappointments and latent fears, bursting constantly into full view. I could not hide from them.
In 28 days it will be the first anniversary of my not-death-day, December 31st 2014, the day when I should have died but did not. It alarms me to think about the time that has elapsed because it does not feel like 365 days has come and gone: in fact, it feels like no time has passed at all. This should alarm you because, in fact, much time has passed and many things have happened. I go by a new name, I live in a new country, I—my point is that many things have changed.
This year I have not been as motivated as I would have liked to be. It did not start off very well, I admit. I was in the hospital until January 13th or so. After I was discharged I thought that things would improve and lighten up and they did, for a while, I know. I even caught a little bit of the Super Bowl on TV. I remember. In March and April things went downhill: Byrie, I am sorry we met, I am sorry my promises were not enough over 10,000 miles of distance. Dearest KS, I will give you an apology, too, for the times I upset you and took his side over yours.
And another apology, this time for Odysseus: I loved you, and I am sorry that what we believed to be forever was just an empty promise masquerading as igneous hope. If it is any consolation you did take good care of me, I am glad to have called you by that name. I am sorry we never got to love each other on bleached sheets in a small European town with plants growing on the windowsill and sunlight streaming in gently. I am sorry that I lied to you about many things. I am sorry about last winter, that I was part of the torrential unhappiness that fell onto you during those days.
I am trying to get all of these loose ends tied up this month so that I can move into 2016 as a different angel; a better one. I will turn 18 next year. I am sure there are many other unforeseen difficulties and triumphs I will face and, who knows? I may be saying these same things in another 365 days. Maybe I have not even faced my greatest enemy. But this year I will try and dedicate myself to properly chronicling my thoughts and the events in my life. See what I am doing? I am cleverly and subtly plotting out my New Year's Resolutions. Except now it is not so subtle because I have warned you of it.
On December 31st 2015 I will delete every blog post before this one and fill up this blog or online journal or whatever this is with all new words and thoughts. I am re-naming this blog 'Come Back Home' because I want my journey to be homebound, to be a process in which I discover the true meaning of 'Rin' and accept the woman I am, growling beasts and all.
If you like, you can come along on this journey with me. I will probably need several hands to hold during the difficult nights. I really only ask this of you: please come join me on December 31st, 2015. Celebrate properly with me, because last year I was not able to.
,Rin